March



I love March.

I love that we've waved goodbye to February and the little tell-tale signs of the approaching spring start to surprise us. I love waking up with the sunrise and leaving the house whilst the family is still sleeping. I love hearing the birds tweeting in the bare branches of the trees as I walk down the hill: chirping their songs of happiness that a new day has dawned. I love witnessing the days battling to claw back the light from the nights and finally winning. I love my most treasured role in life, being a mother, being celebrated by my beautiful daughter. I love that in a week's time we'll be back on British Summer Time and that I will start to thrive and feel alive again. I love March.

I hate March.

I hate that over the last few weeks every shop I enter reminds me that I am motherless. I hate that for 19yrs I have had to avoid 'those' aisles because my loss is still so raw. I hate being reminded that for 7yrs before that when, she was only in her mid-fifties, the Alzheimer's ferociously chipped away at her, stripping her memory of everything she ever knew and everyone she ever loved until, to my mum, I was just 'that girl'. I hate that for 6 days after Mothers' Day I'm reminded that 17 March is, to the world, St Patrick's Day,  but to me and my brothers, our Dad's birthday. I hate how leprechauns and shamrock remind me how he was stolen from us so prematurely, the pain he endured and the pain we've endured in the 21yrs since. I hate that I was pregnant when he died and that my daughter never had the good fortune to be loved by her grandad, or her nan. I hate not being able to ask either of them for advice. I hate not having parents to spoil, or to just pop round for a chat and a cuppa. I hate that I've had to adult without any guidance or help. I hate that after so many years I am so very bitter.  I hate March.

Comments

  1. Unknown18 March 2018 at 10:52

    Jane, you have a beautiful way with words, I feel your pain and every word is from your heart. It's so clear that you feel deeply and you convey it so beautifully. I loved reading this!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unknown19 March 2018 at 11:52

      Sorry, I forgot too sign in before posting

      Delete
    2. Jayno19 March 2018 at 13:58

      Thank you Robin, I loved writing it. I think I've at long last found my thing ☺

      Delete
  2. Unknown19 March 2018 at 09:33

    It's so unfair that some lose great parents so young, and some are stuck with a parent they could just as easily do without. I don't wish I had the same love you did from your parents. I wish you didn't have to lose yours so prematurely. You are an absolute credit to them both Jayno, and I'm sure they are beaming with pride from a better place.

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